New Stuff Here:
Freshers Show '99 thing (s) What happened over the holidays Sutton Park Trip Gossip Easter Show Photos.
Review of the Year 1998-1999.
Predictions for 1999.
The New Year's Honours List.
Freshers Show 1999
The start of the 1999-2000 (oooh!) season was marked with the freshers show, a show of sketches, improv and standup. Certain photographs were taken, and these will appear showtly. (When I scan them). Choice snippets of dialogue follow, to show you what you've missed.
NOTE: dialogue may not have been said at the show, or ever
Bob Holness: I'm sick and tired of being asked for a 'p'
Charlie Dimock: Stop looking at my chest
Pope John-Paul II: 'Ello duck. What are you cooking for my dinner?
The usual follows: What some of the members did on holiday.
Greg enjoyed the sights and sounds of asteroid AC344201, equidistant between Mars and Jupiter. Greg's reason for going there was that there were no people, and pies were quite plentiful. On arriving he found this to be untrue: Pies were missing and people were abundent. Oh well, better luck next summer.
Amy took time out to groom donkeys in the highlands of Kent for three months this summer, on behalf of the donkey-grooming charity 'The donkey grooming charity'. Using only a brush, some soap and a Bosch power sander, Amy managed to bring into the 90s 452 donkeys, 12 mules and an ass. Well done there!
Claire swam around London in a tank full of glycerine in an attempt to break the world swimming round London in a tank of glycerine record. She failed, but broke the world eating glycerine while attempting to break the swimming round London in a bath of glycerine record record. Not a wasted summer, then.
Ben took time out to catalogue his collection of hairnets. He found out that he had 16,000 hairnets in one shoebox. During the process, he named all the nets, and stuck them with a prittstick to his car. This has broken the gluing hairnets to a car with prittstick record, but not the number of hairnets record, which is held by the vice chancellor of the University.
Dan spent the summer in South America, trying to break the world flatulence record. The Brazilian tribe of ngwatta-f'tangaga is renown for it's wind-inducing foods. Dan also used three pounds of french figs to achieve his record-breaking attempt, recorded at 145 decibels. This is louder that the previous attempt by sixteen decibels, and louder that a jet plane taking off, a jackhammer, and a pig stuck in a lenor bottle. Which is loud.
At the end of the summer term, a load of us went to Sutton Park on a jaunt (in the best famous five traditions, except there were six of us. Seven if you count Greg.) Anyway, we took photos of our antics, and here they are.
Or rather, here they will be, when I scan them.
Easter Show Photographs
Here are the photos taken during rehearsal for the Easter show we did for ComAc. None of these photos have been doctored (yet), and suggestions for captions are welcomed for them. The best suggestions will be awarded with some old skin and a lump of granite. Here they are, anyway.
Two girls and a cow (But who's holding the cow?)
Restaurant 1 and 2 (I always cry at weddings)
I Haven't heard that before
Columbo (aka Greg)
Hastings (aka Paul)
The Butler (aka Andre)
Poirot (aka Dan)
Everybody needs a cow for a pillow (obviously)
Review of the Year 1998-1999
Ah, another academic year comes to a close, and it's up to me, your genial webmaster, to review the events that got us to where we are today in terms of our second-to-none audience-drawing-powers and second to only the ubiquitous Ryan Stiles in our improvisation skills. (Not to mention wearing light brown trousers and checked shirts, and being very tall.) Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, last September saw the society as it was then put on the freshers show '98, with sketches and improv starring Chris, Jim, Lou, Ben, Rik, Dan, Greg and Tim. The show was a great success. (Was it?) Well, I liked it. Not all of it, but most of it. Anyway. The show attracted some interest, in the shape of new members Amy, Claire and Eleanor who we welcomed into our happy band of madmen with open hearts and closed mouths. Or something. The freshers show also marked the end of Jim's reign of terror in the comedy society. He left to become part of the real world, something which we do not understand. The winter term saw a great deal of improvisation and other antics, including the most exciting comedy society project EVER: the tour of the halls of residence of the Universtiy of Birmingham. Masoin Hall was first, followed by Griffon close and Shackleton Hall. These nights were great fun, and attracted another new member, Tim (to be known as Tim II). The tour culminated in an improvisation show in the guild at Christmas. Some people came to it. Also in this term saw the election of Greg as the society chair-person, and Amy and Claire were pressganged into being the Secratary and Treasurer. (Well, SOMEONE had to do it, and they drew the short straws.)
The Spring term brought the re-freshers show, improvisational in nature, and Paul, a society old-hand who had not been coming for a while who re-joined, and brought along Andre, a man who specialised in dressing up in lingere for the purposes of comedy. With this new, all-star lineup on Greg, Amy, Claire, Dan, Paul, Ben, Rik, Andre, Tim and Tim we put on the mother of all shows, the infamous ComAc show, which was VERY GOOD. This was perhaps ther best show we'd ever done, complete with a big musical introduction, a stage and backing provided by lovely tech. services, sketches from the writing team and an improv finale, followed by the usual balti and lack of sleep.
This brings us to the summer term, which we are in now, and the lack of activity brought about by revision and soforth. Social events are planned (we've already been bowling), and more exciting things are happening next year, including the ever-popular freshers show (or 'join or society PLEASE'.) Keep watching the website for the latest news of events and the like. Until then, goodnight!
Predictions for 1999
January will mark the start of the Guild's 'countdown to the millennium', comprising of a review of the music and cultures of the past 1000 years in a series of themed club nights. This series kicks off with the 1066-theme night, where the guild will be overrun by invading peoples and free entry for anyone called Norman. Later in the year, look out for the 'Black Death Bash' (free entry for those about to die) and the 'Henry VIII Hoedown' where there will be 6 women for every man, but only 1 will make it out alive, and a new religion will be started. Don't miss it.
February will be an important month for the Millenium Dome as it will see the installation of the man-woman exibit at its centre. The man-woman, which people will walk through, was bred from giant DNA molecules genetically manipulated to be made bigger by a crack team of new Labour scientists working underneath Downing street. The being will be gestated in a giant artificial womb, sponsored by Pepsi, floating in the North sea just off Yarmouth. On emerging from the womb, the creature will see the face of Peter Mandelson first, and think that he's its Mother. Mandy likes to think that he's been given this important job, but isn't looking forward to bottle feeding the artificial lifeform.
March is the month when we're reminded that it's only ten months to the millenium, and the moment when all computers on the planet will either stop working correctly, stop working altogether of become sentient robots with an arsenal of weaponry enogh to destroy a small country and go out onto the streets on a killing spree. Daily Mail readers will, however, be safe in their nuclear bunkers that come free with this month's papers. Just collect 12 tokens to safeguard your place in a bunker to survive the apocalypse and emerge into a new world, ready to recolanise it as a super-race of Mail readers.
April sees Birmingham City Council replace Easter with 'Bunnyfest' to increase its appeal and to get media coverage. Not to be outdone, both of the Cathedrals in Birmingham will be rebuilt, one as a giant egg and the other as a chick, which will be over 400' tall and cheep on the hour. The bishops deny that this devalues the true religious meaning of Easter, as they have a chocolate-eating contest in the city centre, the loser having to give all services for a month dressed as a rabbit. The result? C of E 1, Roman Catholicism 0. A rematch is planned in the summer, in the form of a mud-wrestling contest.
May will see Spar on campus offer a loyalty card scheme similar to those offered by the major supermarkets. Simply spend £2,000 in a month or less to recieve 2% off your purchaces in the next month. When challenged that the scheme is unrealistic, Spar's spokesperson said that "...it would be very hard not to spend that amount given the prices we charge.......ooops!" This comes in the month that Spar is also questioned over the policy of shooting poeple who read the magazines in the shop but don't intend to buy. When questioned, the spokesperson (we couldn't decide if he was a man or not) said "Something must be done, and it helps relieve stress in the staff".
June sees the end of the surrent academic year, and the guild, realising that this academic year will be that lest not to have a '2000' in it, launch a series of '19' parties, on the lines of their 'club 99' vomitfest nights. In club 19, entry is 19p, and all drinks are £19, but each drink consists of 19 units of alcohol. For example, the rugby lads are trying to down 8pint glasses of lager and black, the Essex girls are chuggin' nondecatuple-Malibus and the mad things from the departments of Chemical Engineering and Politics are guzzling litres of Vodka. When challenged by the facts that 19 units in the course of an hour can kill a large horse, let alone a medium-sized student, a spokesman said: "Uhh, I didn't thnk of that. Anyway, why not buy another drink?".
July marks the summer holiday when as many students as possible will want summer work to pay for their millennium celebrations. This leads to a 'we'll do anything for money' situation, and employers are quick to take advantage of this. Many clothing shops in the high streets up and down the land employ students to model clothing in the window, acting as mannequins. The models must remain completely motionless for a week, and get paid £10 for their trouble. Other choice jobs over the summer include scaring crows in the fields of Somerset, cleaning the toilets of the guild with a toothbrush (the only time of the year the guild toilets are cleaned) and clearing dead things off the nation's roads.
August rolls around to see the millennium dome being fitted out with the latest interactive multimedia equipment and excitinf visual effects equipment. More importantly, the MacDonalds franchise will be installed, the only place in the world where you can buy a MacMillenium with cheese. Like the dome, it's expensive, pretensious, only lasts a short while, and makes everyone feel ill after a short while. The jubilee line extension (the way most people will get to the dome) is said to be 'half-finished', ie they've decided where the line starts anbd where it ends. Now starts the discussions about what colour to paint the tunnel walls. 'It will be finished on time', says a tube man, as he was hit on the head by an airborn pig.
September, and the new batch of freshers roll into uni with fresh-faced optomism, intentions to work hard and an overwhelming desire to get drunk and shag everything that moves. The guild is attacked by moral groups for it's inclusion of a sex room at the freshers events, which is slopped out every twenty minutes by a man with a hose. The guild defends it's provision of a space for procreation, claiming 'it's no worse than a toilet. They'll do it somewhere if no dedicated room is provided.' Thankfully, the room is kept dark so the consenting parties have no idea with whom they are consenting, and so no-one can see them consenting to anything anyway. Condoms are provided, of course, and are extra EXTRA large in size, completely covering the consentees.
October brings the start of Christmas in the shape of Birmingham City Council's 'Autuwintspringerval'. To prolong the Christmas shopping boom for Brummie shopkeepers, the city council are moving Christmas back by three months to March 25th 2000. This will give shoppers an extra 90 shopping days and the BBC an extra 2,160 hours of programming time to show Morcome and Wise repeats. The church leaders of the region don't even put up a fight, saying 'oh, sod it. I'm sure Jesus wouldn't care when we celebrated his birth.' In responce, city council leaders said: 'Who's this Jesus fellow? Is he on the telly?'
November sees the vale entertainments enter a new phase of existance, as the lake is drained for one night only to make way for a club night. For just £3, you too can bop to the latest hop-hop and chimpy thuggs in 3 feet of sludge, rotting vegetable matter and guano. However, conservationists are up in arms at this proposal. Bill Oddie said; "Where are all the birds that live on the vale going to go? I wouldn't be suprised if they all die, or evolve increadibly quickly to become more intelligent than the people in the club and kill them all.' At first, this sounded like a fantasy, but after seeing the people in the club, it wasn't too hard to believe. Go birds.
December brings Christmas and the events leading to the new millennium. Nostradamus says that we'll all die. I say Nostradamus is a nutter. We'll just have to wait and see.
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